This is my confession: Not so long ago I found myself nostalgically pining over an ex I vowed never to reconcile with, even if he was the last man on the planet. Now, before you question my sanity, I'd like to state these facts in my defence.
I dated this particular guy for a little over 4 years, and through-out that entire period, he never cheated...not even once. He was the epitome of loyalty and could have been the ambassador of a faithfulness campaign if one was conducted. I always knew where he was, who he was with and what he was doing - in fact, he insisted on taking me everywhere all the time.
So, why did we break up if he was so perfect? Well, he was controlling, obsessive and domineering, with an explosive temper to top it all. There were times when I actually felt scared and dreaded getting him angry. In spite of all this, I found myself missing him a few months ago and decided to confide in my trusted BFF.
Her response was short and simple: "Focus on the reality, not some fantasy in your head."
You see, from a tender age I've always believed that cheating is the worst relationship "sin". I can deal with just about anything else - psychological games, drug addictions, stealing...just not cheating.
And because my ex was so faithful, I overlooked all his faults for years - the violent temper tantrums, the times he yelled at me 'til I was reduced to tears, the irrational demands he made on a daily basis. I couldn't care less if he robbed a bank at gun-point, just as long as he didn't cheat on me.
Now, 2 years later, after being cheated on by a new guy, I couldn't help but think, "How I miss my oh-so-faithful ex... Maybe I should give him another chance. At least I know I can handle his shenanigans."
I imagined us living happily ever after, watching dazzling red sunsets together, taking evening strolls under the stars, joking, laughing and sharing stories over candle-lit dinners... But the reality is: he drinks now more than ever and would probably make my life a living hell if we reconciled.
I'm sure many people (especially women) out there can relate to this. You spend so much time admiring ONE excellent quality in your partner that you ignore many obvious warning signs that point to destructive behavior.
We say stuff like, "I don't mind that he beats me to a pulp - he's a great father to our kids." or "I can't leave him just because he's an abusive drug addict - he can be so sweet sometimes." And of course, our most popular saying of all, "I know he's gonna change. He just needs a little time." Yeah, right!
Like my BFF said, it's important to focus on the facts and not be blinded by wishful thinking. Don't let loneliness or self-pity drive you back into the arms of a dangerous, selfish and destructive partner.
If you're tired of having dinner alone with only your TV and cats for company, hook up with some friends and have some fun - go out to a fancy restaurant, order some pizza and watch movies at home together, organize a barbeque, start or join a book club ... Just don't go back to that nasty ex!
Secondly, focus on what you deserve: someone loving, honest and dependable who'll never raise their hand or voice to hurt you...someone who'll be a great parent to your kids and also be a wonderful partner to you. You deserve nothing but the very best!
Third, realize that we all have moments when we feel weak, vulnerable and exposed. Before you rush back to your ex at top speed, find someone objective to talk to and get some fresh perspective. It might just save you from making one of the biggest mistakes of your life.
In closing, always remember: Your best days are not behind you. They're ahead of you! The best in life is waiting!
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