I'm quite sure we've all been heart-broken, shattered or disappointed at some point in our lives. Perhaps we didn't get the job we wanted, we didn't do as well as we hoped in our exams, we failed an audition or were rejected by the big love of our lives. Someone we deeply care about might have gotten severely ill or even passed on, or we could personally be facing a life-threatening situation.
The truth is: a lot of terrible things happen in life, even to good people, and when they do, we need to know how to handle them. People deal with tragedy in a variety of ways, depending on their circumstances, beliefs and personalities. Introverts may choose to isolate themselves socially and build impenetrable walls around themselves, while extroverts may resort to radical and often wild behavior - crime, violence and so forth.
Like many people out there, I've had my world turned upside-down a few times, and hope the following pointers will encourage those who may be going through a similar experience.
1. Don't react. Respond. 'Reacting' is speaking or acting out of impulse. 'Responding' on the other hand involves taking a step back, evaluating the situation and finding the best possible means of solving the problem. When you are furious, devastated or emotionally worked up, it's best to walk away for a while in order to avoid saying or doing things that you will regret later on. I've had to learn that lesson the hard way, after my big mouth got me into messy situations that easily could have been avoided. Also,the experts say it's usually in fits of rage that people commit violent crimes and end up in jail. Don't become a statistic.Take time out, think clearly, weigh your options and then respond.
2. Before you get romantically involved, check yourself. Don't get into a relationship hoping to create a diversion from your problems. True happiness comes from within - it's not something someone else can give you.
A few years back I dated a guy who suffered from serious bouts of depression. For a long time I blamed myself for his condition and thought perhaps I was doing something wrong to make him so unhappy. I tried for months on end to improve myself and be the perfect girlfriend. I bought him presents, showered him with encouragement, supported his dreams and made sure I never complained, even when he was being cold and insensitive.
All the same, he got more and more depressed. On really bad days he would lock himself indoors and drink himself into a stupor. One day I realized that there was nothing I could do to make him happy. He needed to find the root cause of his depression and deal with it himself before he could find true happiness.
3. Face your problems. Burying your head in the sand and pretending they don't exist won't make them go away. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you're hurting, scared, confused or angry. Be real about what you're going through and take positive steps to conquer it. Acceptance is the first step to finding a solution.
4.Be accountable to someone - but not just anyone. Find people who have your best interests at heart and will encourage you to do the right thing. A little support from good friends can go a long way. Sharing your problems will make them feel less daunting, and you might also find that there are others who have gone through a similar situation. Like the saying goes, "A problem shared is a problem solved."
5. Don't be too hard on yourself. No one is perfect.You may be down now, but you're certainly not out! Keep the faith, pick yourself up and go for your dreams. Don't let your problems make you bitter - instead, let them make you BETTER. You are destined for greatness!
I hope this helps! God bless!
Friday, 24 May 2013
Friday, 17 May 2013
An open letter to men
Dear Men
I am writing this letter on behalf of women and girls across the globe. From a tender age, we are taught how to be perfect wives and mothers. We are introduced to the art of home-making and care-giving. We receive training on the crafts of sewing and knitting, and are encouraged to be brilliant cooks so that our future families are well-fed.We are given countless lectures on how to do the laundry properly, iron and mend clothes to perfection, darn socks and sew on loose buttons.
As children, we are presented with dolls, which are meant to nurture our maternal instincts as well as provide practice for motherhood in the future. Our parents and society go to all this trouble to ensure that we are adequately prepared to be fantastic wives, mothers and daughters in law someday.
The question I would now like to pose to the men is: what is being done to equip the guys for manhood? Who teaches them what being a good husband and father is all about? How to love their wives and raise their kids? The odd pep-talk between drunken guys in a loud bar or strip-club certainly doesn't count.
Every young man needs a mentor to teach him a how to be a man, to listen to his fears and concerns without judging, to help him face the storms of life with confidence and dignity. The shocking truth is: mothers, sisters and girlfriends CAN NOT play that role. The word "role model" itself refers to someone who 'models' the role you aspire to play. Being a role model is a practical thing and not just a lot of talk.
What do women know about being a man? Masculinity and egos? What do we know about men's secret insecurities? Our advice is often based on assumption or derived from magazines and talk shows. It's high-time good, honest men rose up to the challenge of mentoring younger males.
I believe there is a father-shaped vacuum in every guy. Sadly, many guys lose their biological fathers for a variety of reasons - death, imprisonment,geographical distance etc. However, a caring Coach, big brother, uncle, Pastor or teacher can effectively provide the support and guidance which so many guys long for. Your encouragement can help someone become the man he was destined to be: a man of honour, integrity, excellence and valour. A man who will also inspire and uplift others after him. You can help change the world. The power is in your hands.
Lots of love
Women and girls around the world.
I am writing this letter on behalf of women and girls across the globe. From a tender age, we are taught how to be perfect wives and mothers. We are introduced to the art of home-making and care-giving. We receive training on the crafts of sewing and knitting, and are encouraged to be brilliant cooks so that our future families are well-fed.We are given countless lectures on how to do the laundry properly, iron and mend clothes to perfection, darn socks and sew on loose buttons.
As children, we are presented with dolls, which are meant to nurture our maternal instincts as well as provide practice for motherhood in the future. Our parents and society go to all this trouble to ensure that we are adequately prepared to be fantastic wives, mothers and daughters in law someday.
The question I would now like to pose to the men is: what is being done to equip the guys for manhood? Who teaches them what being a good husband and father is all about? How to love their wives and raise their kids? The odd pep-talk between drunken guys in a loud bar or strip-club certainly doesn't count.
Every young man needs a mentor to teach him a how to be a man, to listen to his fears and concerns without judging, to help him face the storms of life with confidence and dignity. The shocking truth is: mothers, sisters and girlfriends CAN NOT play that role. The word "role model" itself refers to someone who 'models' the role you aspire to play. Being a role model is a practical thing and not just a lot of talk.
What do women know about being a man? Masculinity and egos? What do we know about men's secret insecurities? Our advice is often based on assumption or derived from magazines and talk shows. It's high-time good, honest men rose up to the challenge of mentoring younger males.
I believe there is a father-shaped vacuum in every guy. Sadly, many guys lose their biological fathers for a variety of reasons - death, imprisonment,geographical distance etc. However, a caring Coach, big brother, uncle, Pastor or teacher can effectively provide the support and guidance which so many guys long for. Your encouragement can help someone become the man he was destined to be: a man of honour, integrity, excellence and valour. A man who will also inspire and uplift others after him. You can help change the world. The power is in your hands.
Lots of love
Women and girls around the world.
Wednesday, 15 May 2013
Preachers and scandals...
Has anyone ever noticed how scandals involving unbelievers are played down and even accepted as being "just one of those things" by society? But how Pastors' divorces, extra-marital affairs or domestic disputes make headlines in the media?
Truth is: the world looks up to Christians to set the standard in various aspects of life. The Lord Jesus himself declared in Matthew 5 v 14, "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill can not be hidden."
It's a well-known fact that people believe what you do more than what you preach. For this reason, the devil wages war against Preachers, in a desperate attempt to taint their testimony and limit their impact in society. Christians need to open their eyes and realize that the enemy means business! He is out to break Christian marriages, send Christian kids to jail and turn the church into a three-ringed circus.
If God has called you to preach, serve Him with all your heart and soul, but remember to make time for your family. It's no good being super-spiritual when your family life is in shambles. Play with your kids and find out what's happening in their lives. Help them with their homework and encourage them to be the best they can be. Being a parent may not be glamorous, but it's a high calling in itself. Like the famous saying goes, "Charity begins at home."
Invest time, money and energy into your marriage. Teach your children how to love their future partners by being a loving husband or wife. Support your spouse's dreams and help them flourish in all areas of their lives. Make time to chat about things other than the bills, daily schedules and difficult problems. Take romantic walks, watch movies together, visit places of interest and keep the flame of love burning. Protect your marriage from sexual indiscretion - remember, a single act of infidelity can set a bad example for the people who look up to you.
And if you're young and unmarried like me: live life to the max! See the world, explore your talents and find your niche. Above all, honor God and respect the people around you. If you do this, staying out of trouble will become super-easy.
It's time for Christians to arise and show the world what healthy relationships, marriages and families look like. Our lifestyles are far more powerful than any sermon we can preach.
Truth is: the world looks up to Christians to set the standard in various aspects of life. The Lord Jesus himself declared in Matthew 5 v 14, "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill can not be hidden."
It's a well-known fact that people believe what you do more than what you preach. For this reason, the devil wages war against Preachers, in a desperate attempt to taint their testimony and limit their impact in society. Christians need to open their eyes and realize that the enemy means business! He is out to break Christian marriages, send Christian kids to jail and turn the church into a three-ringed circus.
If God has called you to preach, serve Him with all your heart and soul, but remember to make time for your family. It's no good being super-spiritual when your family life is in shambles. Play with your kids and find out what's happening in their lives. Help them with their homework and encourage them to be the best they can be. Being a parent may not be glamorous, but it's a high calling in itself. Like the famous saying goes, "Charity begins at home."
Invest time, money and energy into your marriage. Teach your children how to love their future partners by being a loving husband or wife. Support your spouse's dreams and help them flourish in all areas of their lives. Make time to chat about things other than the bills, daily schedules and difficult problems. Take romantic walks, watch movies together, visit places of interest and keep the flame of love burning. Protect your marriage from sexual indiscretion - remember, a single act of infidelity can set a bad example for the people who look up to you.
And if you're young and unmarried like me: live life to the max! See the world, explore your talents and find your niche. Above all, honor God and respect the people around you. If you do this, staying out of trouble will become super-easy.
It's time for Christians to arise and show the world what healthy relationships, marriages and families look like. Our lifestyles are far more powerful than any sermon we can preach.
Monday, 13 May 2013
Loving a broken person
I'll be honest - I'm one of those nurturing girls who has a soft-spot for emotionally wounded guys. I talk to them, laugh with them, pray for them, support and encourage them. Nothing makes me happier than seeing a broken guy start to enjoy life and smile again. Not surprisingly, these noble deeds often lead to a romantic relationship. I'm sure a lot of girls can relate.
However, I have learned from experience that "Hurting people hurt people." Dating someone in the hopes of rehabilitating them is a short-cut to disappointment. This may come as a surprise to some, but,you are not God! People who have been victimised and have suffered trauma in the past need time to deal with their hurt and anger without the additional pressure of a romantic relationship. Suppressed anger clouds judgment and tends to manifest itself in the most shocking and destructive ways. Lashing out at others gives hurting people a sense of power and control over their circumstances. This may sound preposterous, but it's true.
Similarly, it is utter foolishness to get romantically involved with the misguided intention of escaping from personal stress. Burdening another individual with the duty of mending your broken life is not only selfish, but unfair. Everyone has problems, challenges and flaws of their own. Expecting them to play a role that is only reserved for God will leave you frustrated and bitter.
While it may be easy to point an accusing finger at our broken counterparts, we also need to take a good look at ourselves.If you realize that you are falling for someone who suffers from chronic depression, anger, addiction or self-esteem issues, take a step back. Leave the task of rehabilitation to professionals who are specially trained to handle such problems - Therapists, Pastors, Counsellors etc. Entrust the person into God's capable hands and let Him heal them in His own way and at His own time. Pray for them and give them the time and space they need to grow and recover from their issues. Don't interfere!
Scientific fact: helping a butterfly out of its cocoon paralyses it and kills its chances of flying. In the same way, smothering someone who needs to figure things out on their own is likely to do more harm than good. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them face their fears instead of cushioning them from discomfort. It may seem heartless right now, but it'll be worth it in the end.
Photo courtesy of: webexhibits.org
However, I have learned from experience that "Hurting people hurt people." Dating someone in the hopes of rehabilitating them is a short-cut to disappointment. This may come as a surprise to some, but,you are not God! People who have been victimised and have suffered trauma in the past need time to deal with their hurt and anger without the additional pressure of a romantic relationship. Suppressed anger clouds judgment and tends to manifest itself in the most shocking and destructive ways. Lashing out at others gives hurting people a sense of power and control over their circumstances. This may sound preposterous, but it's true.
Similarly, it is utter foolishness to get romantically involved with the misguided intention of escaping from personal stress. Burdening another individual with the duty of mending your broken life is not only selfish, but unfair. Everyone has problems, challenges and flaws of their own. Expecting them to play a role that is only reserved for God will leave you frustrated and bitter.
While it may be easy to point an accusing finger at our broken counterparts, we also need to take a good look at ourselves.If you realize that you are falling for someone who suffers from chronic depression, anger, addiction or self-esteem issues, take a step back. Leave the task of rehabilitation to professionals who are specially trained to handle such problems - Therapists, Pastors, Counsellors etc. Entrust the person into God's capable hands and let Him heal them in His own way and at His own time. Pray for them and give them the time and space they need to grow and recover from their issues. Don't interfere!
Scientific fact: helping a butterfly out of its cocoon paralyses it and kills its chances of flying. In the same way, smothering someone who needs to figure things out on their own is likely to do more harm than good. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them face their fears instead of cushioning them from discomfort. It may seem heartless right now, but it'll be worth it in the end.
Photo courtesy of: webexhibits.org
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