My recent experiences with guys, some of them utterly hilarious, others insanely annoying, have driven me to write this article - emphasis on the word 'driven.' I figure there are lots of confused, frustrated men out there who have absolutely no inkling whatsoever about what women want.
There are also scores of women who are completely worn out from trying to explain their expectations. So, I've taken it upon myself to clearly lay the facts on the table for everyone's benefit.
Basically, women need a number of things in their men, but I'll focus on three major ones which I believe can make or break a relationship.
1. Care and concern for our well being
The guy who responds to news about a bereavement in his girlfriend's family with a mere, "Oh, shame man!", before going silent for a week is applying for a break-up. So is the guy who makes his girl carry an elephant-sized box while he strolls ahead yelling, "Hurry up! Walk faster!" with only a newspaper in his hand.
Then there's the guy who clings to his jacket on a chilly evening and pretends not to see his girlfriend shivering helplessly beside him. But the guy who takes the 'Loser Trophy' is the one who invites his girl to a Party, and when she reveals that she needs to head home, replies, "Oh, cool. Cheers!", and continues dancing or socializing. He doesn't bother walking her to her car or taxi and making sure she gets home in one piece.
Men, this is not rocket science. What we, ladies need, is a guy who cares about our well being. That means checking on us when we're sick or have suffered a bereavement. It means making sure that we're safe and comfortable. We need a guy who offers to carry heavy bags for us, offers us his jacket on a cold day and finds out how we're doing at work, school or home.
If you're struggling to show a little consideration for your girl's physical and emotional well being now, how will you handle caring for her and a couple of kids in the future? Food for thought.
2. Faith in our dreams
Lots of guys have been wrongly made to believe that all we, ladies want, are material things. So they work their backsides off trying to make enough money to shower us with gifts of all shapes and sizes. Don't get me wrong - we appreciate all your hard work and presents. But, women need a lot more than shoes, jewellery and expensive hand-bags.
Guys, it's important for you to know what the lady in your life is passionate about, what her dreams and ambitions are. And when you find out, don't stop there. Get involved in helping her achieve her goals. Support her in the pursuit of her dreams and be her biggest cheerleader. That's one of the best gifts you can ever give her.
3. Respect for our family and culture
Whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim or Buddhist, every woman wants a man who respects her values and beliefs. A real man not only respects his woman's faith, but her family too.
In my culture, after proposing to his girl, a guy sends his uncles to his fiancee's family to officially ask for her hand in marriage. If his proposal is accepted by the bride's parents, the groom-to-be presents his new in-laws with various gifts as a gesture of gratitude. These gifts usually include outfits for the bride's mother and father, groceries and blankets.
The presentation of these gifts is followed by a huge banquet, which is hosted by the bride's family in honor of their new son in-law. (The 'church wedding' comes several weeks or months later)
The entire process is highly exhilarating and gives the bride and groom's families a chance to bond. It's also a way of testing the groom's love and commitment. Now, I've met a number of guys who refuse to honor this tradition. Some simply decide to boycott the proceedings. If they make do an appearance, they either come extremely late or empty-handed.
Such guys are often rude and get into embarrassing arguments with their in-laws through out the proceedings. This not only humiliates the bride in front of her family, but leaves everyone thinking, "Maybe he doesn't love her at all."
Guys, note: If you truly love your girl, you'll be prepared to meet her parents' requirements. If they invite you to dinner, please show up, look good and be on your best behavior. Don't arrive late, drunk or make inappropriate comments.
Part of loving someone is respecting their culture, family and religion. If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.
Well, I hope this article has been an eye-opener for those men who've been asking, "What does the fairer sex really want?" I also hope it assists those ladies who are stuck in dysfunctional relationships and helps them realize that they deserve far better. The best in life is waiting!
P.S: I'd love to hear from you. Does your family have any traditions with regards to dating or marriage? What have been some of your experiences?
Friday, 29 November 2013
Wednesday, 20 November 2013
Are we compatible or simply wasting each other's time?
It's no secret that many of us are keen to leap into romantic relationships, what with the glamorous portrayal of love in movies, soap operas and music videos. Ladies fantasize about riding off into the sunset on a white horse with a knight in shining armor, while our male counterparts dream about hooking up with a drop-dead gorgeous lady who looks like something out of a fashion magazine.
In all our excitement, we tragically forget that there's a lot more to relationships than good looks, red roses, chocolate and money. Before you commit to a relationship, here are a few key factors to consider:
1. Common values
You may be ecstatic about finding a Rihanna or Chris Brown look-alike who sends shivers up and down your spine. However, it's important to be with someone who shares your values, principles and beliefs."Well,we have so much chemistry and that's all that matters," you may say. But, no matter how many sparks fly between you, a relationship is not likely to work if your values, beliefs and principles clash. Like it or not, these three things (values, principles and beliefs) determine a person's priorities, objectives and behavior.
A girl from a Christian background, for example, may not believe in sex before marriage. Therefore, any guy who wants to be with her must be prepared to wait until the wedding night. Similarly, an Animal Rights Activist may be against the consumption of all meat products. You may not think this is a big deal. But wait until your Vegan partner refuses to let you have roast Turkey (or any other type of meat) at Christmas.
2. Complementary personalities:
According to the Merriam Webster dictionary, 'personality' can be defined as, "the set of emotional qualities, ways of behaving, etc., that makes a person different from other people." A lot of us are of the misguided belief that we need to be with people who are exactly like us, people who have our personality. As a result, we spend all our time pursuing various replicas of ourselves.
In actual fact, what we do need are people with complementary personalities - people who excel in areas where we struggle, people who challenge us to learn, grow and become the best we can be. There are 4 basic personality types: Sanguines, Melancholics, Phlegmatics and Cholerics.
* Sanguine
Sanguines are naturally extroverted, chatty and confident. These are the types of people who enjoy being the center of attention, telling stories, performing for captive audiences and being the life of the party. Not surprisingly, they are often extremely popular with others, especially the opposite sex.
But beware, this personality type is prone to lying, flirting and laziness. Sanguines are masters at making lavish promises and getting everyone excited. They are big talkers, with little or no action whatsoever. Half the time, they make hundreds of promises to scores of people and later fail to keep up. As a result, they tend to be undependable and struggle to meet deadlines.
A Sanguine may also drive you up the wall if you're the jealous type, as they constantly mingle with people and want to be liked by everyone. It's not surprising to find a Sanguine exchanging phone numbers with total strangers or accepting party invitations from someone they met only yesterday.
Ideal partner for the Sanguine: Someone cool, calm and level-headed. An action-oriented individual who is good at getting things done. This person must not be threatened or offended by the Sanguine's extroverted tendencies, but must help bring order into the Sanguine's chaotic way of life.
* Melancholic
Melancholics are quiet introverts who are usually artistic, soulful and serious-minded. These are the sort of people who spend their time writing poetry, painting portraits and composing songs in their bed rooms. They are very romantic and sentimental, but can easily get depressed and withdraw from the rest of the world. They are also prone to paranoia and various insecurities.
Something as minor as failing to answer your phone when they call can easily drive them to the depths of despair, even to the point of committing suicide. This group of people is highly sensitive and must be handled with care. So, before you get dazzled by the charm of a Melancholic, make sure you're prepared for days when your Beloved will be depressed, angry and anti-social.
Ideal partner for the Melancholic: someone patient, warm and cheerful, who can bring color and stability to the Melancholic's life. This individual must also be sensitive to the Melancholic's emotional needs for security and affection.
* Phlegmatic
People of this type are normally reserved, logical thinkers who love order. They are peaceful individuals who detest confrontations and are brilliant organizers. Phlegmatics naturally make great Accountants and Administrators. They are emotionally stable and rarely ever lose their tempers or get over-excited. They have a knack for hiding their emotions and never letting people know what they're thinking or feeling. Phlegmatics are very disciplined people who live by principle.
I can already see some of you grinning like the Cheshire Cat at the prospect of dating a Phlegmatic, but be warned: Phlegmatics tend to be workaholics who are obsessed with perfection. They are ambitious and seldom have time to spare for relaxation and fun. They may therefore seem boring to someone who enjoys going out and having a good time. A Phlegmatic's idea of a romantic date may be spending the day together at the office, working on reports and compiling budgets while sharing a packed dinner.
Ideal partner for the Phlegmatic: An out-going and vibrant individual who can motivate the Phlegmatic to enjoy life. This person must not view the Phlegmatic's love for order as a curse, but must encourage a healthy balance of work and play in the Phlegmatic's life.
* Choleric
Cholerics are domineering, driven and focused. They are natural leaders who love supervising others and giving orders. They are ideal for difficult situations where a forceful person is required to take charge and get the job done. Cholerics are often proud and dislike anyone who dares oppose their ideas or their way of doing things. However, they are also very protective of their loved ones and will stop at nothing to punish anyone who hurts those they care about.
I'm pretty sure a lot of ladies would love to find themselves with such a Macho-man. But, Cholerics are also known to be controlling, short-tempered and insensitive. While they may fight all your enemies for you, they want things done their way or not at all. They rarely ever consult anyone or ask for other people's opinions when they make decisions, and are therefore not good team-players. A Choleric will buy a new house without discussing it with his partner and see no problem with that.
Ideal partner for the Choleric: A patient, friendly individual who can encourage the Choleric to be more considerate of other people's feelings and opinions. This person must have a thick skin and be able to deal with the Choleric's temper tantrums and forceful nature.
Word of advice: Refrain from the temptation of trying to turn your partner into a mirror-image of yourself. You should help them become the best version of themselves they can be, not an extension of yourself.
I'm not saying this to scare anyone, but to remind us all to take a closer look at the people we hope to date. Can you live with his or her flaws and weaknesses? Do your personalities clash or complement one another? Can you work as a team and meet your goals?
3. Enjoying each other's company
No matter how many things you may have in common with someone, there's really no point in pursuing a relationship if you don't enjoy each other's company. If you find yourself yawning and constantly glancing at your watch during dates, there's a good chance the relationship won't work out.
Don't let people cajole you into dating someone you just don't click with. It's YOUR life and YOUR relationship, not theirs. If there's no chemistry, don't force it and don't fake it. The world is full of miserable couples who are stuck with people they never loved. Don't become a statistic. Relationships should be a blessing to be enjoyed, not a nightmare to be endured.
In closing, remember: "Love is Life. If you miss love, you miss life." Leo Buscalia
In all our excitement, we tragically forget that there's a lot more to relationships than good looks, red roses, chocolate and money. Before you commit to a relationship, here are a few key factors to consider:
1. Common values
You may be ecstatic about finding a Rihanna or Chris Brown look-alike who sends shivers up and down your spine. However, it's important to be with someone who shares your values, principles and beliefs."Well,we have so much chemistry and that's all that matters," you may say. But, no matter how many sparks fly between you, a relationship is not likely to work if your values, beliefs and principles clash. Like it or not, these three things (values, principles and beliefs) determine a person's priorities, objectives and behavior.
A girl from a Christian background, for example, may not believe in sex before marriage. Therefore, any guy who wants to be with her must be prepared to wait until the wedding night. Similarly, an Animal Rights Activist may be against the consumption of all meat products. You may not think this is a big deal. But wait until your Vegan partner refuses to let you have roast Turkey (or any other type of meat) at Christmas.
2. Complementary personalities:
According to the Merriam Webster dictionary, 'personality' can be defined as, "the set of emotional qualities, ways of behaving, etc., that makes a person different from other people." A lot of us are of the misguided belief that we need to be with people who are exactly like us, people who have our personality. As a result, we spend all our time pursuing various replicas of ourselves.
In actual fact, what we do need are people with complementary personalities - people who excel in areas where we struggle, people who challenge us to learn, grow and become the best we can be. There are 4 basic personality types: Sanguines, Melancholics, Phlegmatics and Cholerics.
* Sanguine
Sanguines are naturally extroverted, chatty and confident. These are the types of people who enjoy being the center of attention, telling stories, performing for captive audiences and being the life of the party. Not surprisingly, they are often extremely popular with others, especially the opposite sex.
But beware, this personality type is prone to lying, flirting and laziness. Sanguines are masters at making lavish promises and getting everyone excited. They are big talkers, with little or no action whatsoever. Half the time, they make hundreds of promises to scores of people and later fail to keep up. As a result, they tend to be undependable and struggle to meet deadlines.
A Sanguine may also drive you up the wall if you're the jealous type, as they constantly mingle with people and want to be liked by everyone. It's not surprising to find a Sanguine exchanging phone numbers with total strangers or accepting party invitations from someone they met only yesterday.
Ideal partner for the Sanguine: Someone cool, calm and level-headed. An action-oriented individual who is good at getting things done. This person must not be threatened or offended by the Sanguine's extroverted tendencies, but must help bring order into the Sanguine's chaotic way of life.
* Melancholic
Melancholics are quiet introverts who are usually artistic, soulful and serious-minded. These are the sort of people who spend their time writing poetry, painting portraits and composing songs in their bed rooms. They are very romantic and sentimental, but can easily get depressed and withdraw from the rest of the world. They are also prone to paranoia and various insecurities.
Something as minor as failing to answer your phone when they call can easily drive them to the depths of despair, even to the point of committing suicide. This group of people is highly sensitive and must be handled with care. So, before you get dazzled by the charm of a Melancholic, make sure you're prepared for days when your Beloved will be depressed, angry and anti-social.
Ideal partner for the Melancholic: someone patient, warm and cheerful, who can bring color and stability to the Melancholic's life. This individual must also be sensitive to the Melancholic's emotional needs for security and affection.
* Phlegmatic
People of this type are normally reserved, logical thinkers who love order. They are peaceful individuals who detest confrontations and are brilliant organizers. Phlegmatics naturally make great Accountants and Administrators. They are emotionally stable and rarely ever lose their tempers or get over-excited. They have a knack for hiding their emotions and never letting people know what they're thinking or feeling. Phlegmatics are very disciplined people who live by principle.
I can already see some of you grinning like the Cheshire Cat at the prospect of dating a Phlegmatic, but be warned: Phlegmatics tend to be workaholics who are obsessed with perfection. They are ambitious and seldom have time to spare for relaxation and fun. They may therefore seem boring to someone who enjoys going out and having a good time. A Phlegmatic's idea of a romantic date may be spending the day together at the office, working on reports and compiling budgets while sharing a packed dinner.
Ideal partner for the Phlegmatic: An out-going and vibrant individual who can motivate the Phlegmatic to enjoy life. This person must not view the Phlegmatic's love for order as a curse, but must encourage a healthy balance of work and play in the Phlegmatic's life.
* Choleric
Cholerics are domineering, driven and focused. They are natural leaders who love supervising others and giving orders. They are ideal for difficult situations where a forceful person is required to take charge and get the job done. Cholerics are often proud and dislike anyone who dares oppose their ideas or their way of doing things. However, they are also very protective of their loved ones and will stop at nothing to punish anyone who hurts those they care about.
I'm pretty sure a lot of ladies would love to find themselves with such a Macho-man. But, Cholerics are also known to be controlling, short-tempered and insensitive. While they may fight all your enemies for you, they want things done their way or not at all. They rarely ever consult anyone or ask for other people's opinions when they make decisions, and are therefore not good team-players. A Choleric will buy a new house without discussing it with his partner and see no problem with that.
Ideal partner for the Choleric: A patient, friendly individual who can encourage the Choleric to be more considerate of other people's feelings and opinions. This person must have a thick skin and be able to deal with the Choleric's temper tantrums and forceful nature.
Word of advice: Refrain from the temptation of trying to turn your partner into a mirror-image of yourself. You should help them become the best version of themselves they can be, not an extension of yourself.
I'm not saying this to scare anyone, but to remind us all to take a closer look at the people we hope to date. Can you live with his or her flaws and weaknesses? Do your personalities clash or complement one another? Can you work as a team and meet your goals?
3. Enjoying each other's company
No matter how many things you may have in common with someone, there's really no point in pursuing a relationship if you don't enjoy each other's company. If you find yourself yawning and constantly glancing at your watch during dates, there's a good chance the relationship won't work out.
Don't let people cajole you into dating someone you just don't click with. It's YOUR life and YOUR relationship, not theirs. If there's no chemistry, don't force it and don't fake it. The world is full of miserable couples who are stuck with people they never loved. Don't become a statistic. Relationships should be a blessing to be enjoyed, not a nightmare to be endured.
In closing, remember: "Love is Life. If you miss love, you miss life." Leo Buscalia
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