How much is too much sacrifice in a relationship?

It's a fact - all relationships thrive on compromise and a certain level of sacrifice by both parties. But there comes a point where you need to back up and say, "No way! That's just out of the question." After all, there's a fine line between being a hopeless romantic and being plain foolish.

I watched an intriguing episode of the TV reality show, 'Happily Never After' one evening last week. That particular episode told the story of a young, handsome man from a conservative religious family who had fallen in love with a free spirited, bubbly singer.

For the purpose of this post, we'll call him John, and give his Sweetheart the name Emma. Now, as their love blossomed, John quickly realized that Emma was nothing like him and his family. In fact, she was far from the kind of girl his parents expected him to marry.

Her clothes were rather flashy and made her stand out like a sore thumb, which irked John's family. As if this was not enough, her long hair had been twisted into dreadlocks while a large, brightly colored tattoo covered most of her upper back and shoulders. The mere sight of her gave John's conservative parents many nightmares.

All the same, they invited her to church, hoping earnestly that the experience would inspire some kind of radical transformation in her. But to their horror, after the sermon, she approached the preacher and revealed that she didn't agree with certain aspects of his teaching.

The preacher, along with John's parents was furious, and John was ordered to stop dating her, or risk being excommunicated from the church and disowned by his parents. Being so deeply in love, John simply couldn't bear the thought of living a single day without Emma, so he chose to walk away from the church and his family, forever.

From now on, it would just be him and her, a modern day version of Bonnie and Clyde. However, as the days wore on, the once-glorious love began to lose its luster. John became increasingly angry and would often have violent tantrums. After several months of putting up with his aggressive tendencies, Emma decided to end the relationship.

When she broke the news to him, with tears in her eyes, John lost it. There was no way he could let her walk away, after everything he'd given up just to be with her - his family, church and even his friends. And so, in a fit of rage, he stabbed her 39 times and killed her.

After watching that gruesome episode, I could hardly sleep all night.  Then it struck me - the more a person gives up or sacrifices in a relationship, the more they expect in return. It's not being selfish, it's simple economics.

Naturally, someone who has invested millions in a business expects huge returns, compared to someone who has only invested $100. Similarly, when you give up a lot in order to be with someone, your levels of expectation increase drastically. And so do your fears, worries and anxieties.

So, where do we draw the line? How much is too much sacrifice in a relationship?

1. If you're the only one in the relationship giving up certain dreams, interests, friends etc, for the sake of the relationship, take a step back.

2. If you're putting your whole life on stand-by for the sake of a relationship, watch your step. I've seen a lot of love-struck people turning down amazing opportunities to work or study abroad, walking away from a promotion etc, in the hopes of settling down with their boyfriend or girlfriend.

Unfortunately, girlfriends or boyfriends may not have the same idea in mind as you do. They may not want to settle down the way you do, when you do.  So, it's best not to give up your career, studies or dreams unless he / she slips a ring on your finger.

Pursue your dreams, see the world, go for that promotion and live your life to the full. If he or she is right for you, he or she will be right there all the way to the end. You don't want to give up too much for a relationship only to realize in the end that it wasn't worth it.

3. If your life revolves completely around your partner and his / her interests, that's a red flag. Even in the most amazing and dreamy relationship, you need to maintain your identity. Don't become so preoccupied with making someone else happy that you lose who you are.

If you're going to make sacrifices for the sake of a relationship, make sure they're worth it... and that the other person would do the same for you if the tables were turned.

I look forward to hearing your views on this topic. Please feel free to comment and share! Sharing is caring!

Til next time

Nobsy

What makes relationships work?

What makes relationships work? And what makes them fall apart like a house of cards on a windy day? I've been thinking a lot about this over the past few days.

After loads of introspection and talking to trusted friends for hours on end, I've come to the realization that the success and failure of relationships often lies in the little things, the things we usually take for granted.

1. Personal concerns and needs must never be expressed as accusations

Many of us make the mistake of saying, "I'm upset because you always...."  The moment we turn the focus away from the actual issue and onto the other person, we're off to a bad start. They immediately put their guard up and get ready to defend themselves. Ultimately, real issues are ignored while accusations are tossed back and forth.

Personal concerns and needs are best expressed as, "I think it would be good for us to ..." This keeps the other person from feeling like they are under attack and increases the likelihood of them hearing you out.

2. Happy relationships are about compromise - both ways!
I've heard people say things like, "I'm not going to change. If you don't like it, well, tough luck!" As a result, the relationship either falls apart or one partner chooses to submit completely to the will of the other, thus losing their voice and their freedom in the relationship.

Compromise is essential in a happy relationship. This means that both parties are willing to meet half-way and find solutions that work for both of them - not just one of them. If one partner is giving in all the time, that's called 'manipulation.'

3. Happy relationships are made of 2 great forgivers
No one is perfect, no matter how amazing they may be, and true love is about the willingness to forgive each other. 

Don't get me wrong; Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior. It just keeps their behavior from poisoning your heart and making you resentful. And sometimes, forgiveness inspires people to change a lot more than all the lectures and sermons put together.

In love, real forgiveness means forgiving even when your partner has not apologized. As Robert Brault says, "Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got."

These are some of the things I've learned about love and relationships recently. Please feel free to share your opinions, experiences and comments.

 'Til next time!

Nobsy

You ARE beautiful - dark skin, freckles, cellulite and all!

In a world and at a time when lighter skin is considered better, and skinny, run-way model bodies are regarded ideal, many women and girls around the world are resorting to drastic measures to acquire the so-called perfect body and skin tone.

I've watched with dismay, many pretty teenage girls, sabotaging their natural beauty through the use of illicit skin whitening creams. Having to be treated for rashes and skin sores that develop as a result of harsh, carcinogenic skin bleaching creams. Having to live with horrendously scarred faces simply because they wanted to look a few shades lighter.

I've seen gorgeous, curvy women addicted to strange pills that promise magical, instant weight-loss and a Barbie doll figure before you can say "Slim down." Beautiful women with voluptuous figures being driven to suicide because they just couldn't lose that last 10 pounds of weight. Wonderful human beings with so much to offer the world refusing to leave their homes for fear of being ridiculed, stared at,called names and publicly humiliated because of their body size.

But, let's stop for a minute and imagine a world without any variety or diversity, a world with only one color, one shape, one texture, one size... a world where everything and everyone looks the same. I'm pretty sure it would be well beyond atrocious.

Similarly, we can't all have the same skin tone, hair texture or body shape. You're beautiful exactly the way you are, one of a kind, authentic and magnificent.  It's only natural to want to look your best - after all, how we present ourselves has a huge bearing on the opportunities that are presented to us at work, school, in relationships and society in general.

There really is no magic formula for instant beauty - at least one that doesn't have a tonne of side-effects. The best way to look and feel great is to make healthy choices on a daily basis. Eat well, drink enough water, get a good amount of sleep every night to help with your metabolism. 

Before you pop any pills into your mouth or apply some 'miracle-cream' on your skin, do your research. Make sure you're not allergic to any of the ingredients and that no banned substances are contained in the product. If you're not sure, get some advice from your doctor. 

Here is a list of potentially harmful substances that you should be on the look out for. These have been banned in many European countries but are still in use in several other countries around the world.

1. Selenium sulfide might prevent ugly dandruff flakes, but it could potentially give you cancer.

2. Hydroquinone bleaches out dark spots, but it’s another potential carcinogen.

3. P-Phenylenediamine might help change your hair color, but can also make you swell up like crazy and in extreme cases, kill you.

4. Salicylic acid is known to treat pimples, but could potentially lead to salicylate poisoning.

5.  Formaldehyde is an effective preservative and can help nail polish stay, but it’s a carcinogen that can lead to breathing problems.

6. Quaternium-15 is another preservative that gives your makeup a longer shelf-life, but it releases formaldehyde, which can can cause cancer

7 Titanium dioxide might block out UV rays, but it could also be a carcinogen.

8. Triclosan kills bacteria and keeps gingivitis away, but it could disrupt your hormones and weaken your heart.

9.  Butylparaben is another preservative, and it’s accused of making men sterile.

10.  Lead acetate might banish gray hair, but it could put you at risk for lead poisoning.

 Love your skin and body and they will love you back. 

 In closing, remember:  Taking joy in living is a woman's best cosmetic. (Rosalind Russell)