Relationship Blunders - Part 1

Comparing our Sweetheart to Mommy or Daddy Dearest....

Many of us do it, often without even realizing it - comparing our Boo to an amazing mom or dad that can do no wrong in our eyes. When there's a misunderstanding of any sort, the thought quickly pops into our minds, "My mom / dad would never do that!" 

In the midst of all the drama, frustration and anger, we forget one major thing: that life is a journey, and that it probably took our beloved oh-so-marvelous parents 20+ years to learn and perfect what they know now. 

 Ladies, if you grew up in a home with an affectionate, generous dad who showered you with diamond jewellery, took you to Paris for your birthday and basically spoiled you rotten, you're likely to hold your man to the same standards. 

But remember: your dad had a 30 year head-start, during which he learned through an intensive process of trial and error, what it takes to make a woman happy. So why should you expect your partner to match your dad's standards after only 1 year of the 2 of you being together?

And guys, your mom might be a professional Chef, gardening guru, interior decorator and Mother Theresa all rolled into one. But PLEASE understand that she most likely acquired those fantastic skills during the numerous years she spent as a girlfriend, wife, mother and daughter-in-law etc. So don't expect your girl to be a spitting replica of your mom any time soon. 

Comparisons are never fair! Making remarks such as, "If my mom was in this situation, she wouldn't do what you're doing," or "Why can't you be more like my dad?" can be extremely demoralizing and hurtful to your partner. It's a lot like expecting a preschooler to grasp a complicated quantum physics theory... or asking a 4 year old to solve an exponential math equation (I'm also not quite sure what an 'exponential math equation' is)... I'm sure you get the point!

Relationships are all about learning, growing and helping each other become the best we can be one day at a time. And, keep in mind that your Honey-Bunny is NOT your mom or dad. He or she is a unique individual with something unique to offer. Open your heart and receive it. 

Love and respect your parents, but don't let your mom or dad's "perfect" image blind you to the tremendous blessing that's right in front of you, in your partner.

Embrace it, cherish it and celebrate it everyday! 

In the next post we'll discuss the next relationship blunder that a lot of people make!

'Til then... live, laugh, love!

Nobsy

Lessons I've learned about love and relationships

Well, after a few decades of being on God's beautiful green earth (I'm not telling how many decades exactly!), I've learned a few important and mind-blowing lessons about love and relationships. Here are some of them. Enjoy!

1. Many of us spend all of our time looking for a replica of ourselves - someone who thinks, acts and speaks like we do... someone who agrees with everything we think, everything we say and everything we do - no matter how ridiculous or insanely foolish it is. And the reason? 

We're absolutely petrified of finding someone who'll challenge us to step out of our comfort zone, someone who'll encourage us to do things differently, someone who'll expect growth from us, and worst of all, someone who'll tell us when we're wrong...

But the truth is: real love isn't about finding a replica of yourself. It's about finding someone who compliments you - someone who helps bring out the wonderful potential that's lying dormant within you, someone who motivates you to learn and grow - and you can't learn and grow doing what you've always done in the way you've always done it.

You need someone with a different perspective from yours - someone who's strong where you're weak, someone who'll help you up when you fall. When you finally find that amazing person who makes you want to do better, think better and be better, you're moving in the right direction.

2. After falling for the wrong person, one of the most popular explanations is, "It's not my fault- You can't choose who you fall in love with. The heart wants what it wants." But what if I told you that you CAN choose who you fall in love with?

When you first meet someone that's really good looking, fun, charming and intelligent - there's that spark, that chemistry you feel... that's not love. That's just 'attraction' and it's normal. But you do have the power to choose whether you feed that attraction and allow it to develop into love.

Before you do that, (allow attraction to develop into love), use your head. Think about it... objectively and clearly. Is this person really good for you? Do they share your values and principles? Are they looking for a committed relationship or a short summer fling? Are they single and available, or taken and trying to cheat on their partner? Would you be willing to introduce them to your parents?

Don't pursue a relationship with someone if your conscience or common sense tells you otherwise. Most of you know what I'm talking about - that nagging feeling that you're making the mistake of your life. If you feel in any way uneasy about dating a certain person, keep your distance - no matter how gorgeous, charming and intelligent they may be. Use your power to choose wisely.

3. Every relationship is different, and every relationship has its challenges. If you're on the hunt for an easy, smooth-sailing, problem-free relationship, you'll be searching for a long, long, long time. There'll be bumps along the way - face them together, with hope and love. Don't run and hide every time a challenge crops up. Hang in there and make it work!

And don't compare your relationship with someone else's - the dynamics of each and every relationship are unique, because the individuals involved are unique. You are NOT your friend - so don't compare your relationship with your friend's relationship. Celebrate the uniqueness of your relationship and enjoy the journey!

What are YOUR personal tips about love and relationships? I'd love to hear them!

'Til next time!

Love, laugh, love!

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus - The Facts

Here's a scenario: you're having a lovely dinner with your wife or girlfriend and just as you slice into your steak, she looks you dead in the eye and blurts out, "You've been ignoring me lately. Don't you love me anymore? Is there someone else?"

There's fire in her eyes but the only thing you can think of is, "What in God's wonderful world is she talking about? Where is this crazy act coming from?!"

Guys, if you've ever been there, raise your hand. Yes, I mean you.

Well, the truth of the matter is: men and women are different - not just physically, but emotionally and psychologically too. It's a fact. And most relationship problems are caused by these differences.

So, we're going to explore a few of them here today. 

1.Definition of love

Men:

For a man, respect falls right at the top of the list in his definition of love.  That means he needs to be listened to, consulted when decisions are made and not talked down to as if he's a child. Gifts and compliments don't mean much to a man if he feels undermined and disrespected. To him, love is respect.

Women:

The Bible refers to women as "weaker vessels." In a nutshell, this means women are more sensitive and have more emotional needs than men. Women need to be told, "I love you", "I miss you" and "I'm proud of you" on a regular basis.  We thrive on compliments and constant acts of affection. To a woman, that's love.

2. Silence

Men:

Psychologists say men have something called an "empty box" in their minds. This is a place where they don't think about anything. They are not worried, stressed or angry, they're just quiet. 

A man in his empty box may give one-word answers when you ask him questions or reply with a "Hmm". He may stare at the TV with a blank expression on his face and not respond to conversation. Ladies, note: he's not fighting with you. He's in his empty box.

Women:

Empty what? There's no such thing as an empty box in a woman's vocabulary. It doesn't matter where she's from - the thickest jungle in Africa, the North Pole or Timbuktu - a woman doesn't have an empty box. Women think, speak and feel all sorts of things all the time. To a woman, continual silence means war. In our book, silence is a ruthless form of torture often used by the male species to drive women insane. So guys, please understand why women go berserk when you suddenly go mute.

3. Physical touch

Men:

Touching a man's arm or giving a shoulder massage is interpreted by most men as, "She's looking for some sexual attention." Physical touch, no matter how tiny, has been proven to have sexual connotations to most men. It's just the way they're wired. So ladies, if you don't want to send the wrong message, avoid touching guys willy nilly.

Women:

Guys, when a woman gives you a hug, she often means, "I appreciate you." and when she asks for a massage, she's thinking, "My shoulders are aching. I'd remove them if I could." In most cases, it's not an invitation for sexual favors. Women need hugs and hand-holding for their emotional well-being. But, there are some desperate women out there who"ll do anything to get a man's attention. So guys, beware. If she's not your woman, DO NOT get touchy-feely with her!

4.Dealing with conflict

Men:

A man can have a heated argument with his Sweetheart, reach a consensus and immediately (and I mean 'immediately') put on his happy face, start raving about soccer, crack jokes and laugh hysterically. A man can also shelve an explosive relationship problem for sometime while he attends to business, plays sport, watches the News and hangs out with his buddies. He can even get romantic while keeping the explosive issue shelved somewhere at the back of his mind. Only when he's ready does he discuss the problem, and not a moment sooner.

Women:

A woman may need several hours to a day or two to recuperate from a major argument. Most women can't switch from disappointment and anger to hysterical happiness in an instant. We often need a bit more time to get over certain things. When there's an explosive issue brewing in a relationship, a woman is likely to carry the frustration and anger with her everywhere she goes. She will only let it go after the matter has been completely resolved.

5. Decision-making

Men:

Men are logical creatures. By nature, they make fact-based decisions. A man will do the math, consider the stats, check the physical evidence and use the results to make an important decision.

Women:

Women are wired to use their intuition or 6th sense when making important decisions. That's why guys will often hear us say things like, "I have a bad feeling about this." Intuition is an internal compass that God built into women, to help us discern right from wrong.

Conclusion:

Ultimately, men and women need each other. The men need the women's gentleness, sensitivity and warmth in their lives, while we, the ladies, need the men's strength, assurance and protection so that we can thrive. When making decisions, logic and intuition must be combined and balanced.

Men may be from Mars and women from Venus, but together, we are an unstoppable force!

Men	Women
1.       Love = respect	Love = being wanted, pursued and spoiled with attention, gifts and compliments.
2.       Have moments of silence just for the heck of it	Silence means something is terribly wrong.
3.       Physical touch triggers sexual feelings	Physical touch creates feelings of safety, security and reassurance.
4. Compartmentalise problems	Can hold on to offence and various problems for long period of time
5. Make fact-based decisions	Depend on their intuition

Men	Women
Need women	Need men

Take a leap of faith and dare to LOVE!

It takes faith to be happy, to be content in a relationship. To believe that you've finally found "the One", your soul-mate. Without faith you'll always be searching, criticizing, complaining and wondering if there's someone with more to offer out there.

And the sad reality is: there'll always be someone better looking, someone with a higher IQ, someone richer, taller, slimmer or funnier, the list goes on. Unless you're willing to take a leap of faith, hope for the best, amplify the highlights and de-emphasize the low-lights in your romantic journey, your relationship really doesn't stand a chance.

A friend of mine once likened being in love to sky diving. As long as you meditate on the risks - the possibility of the plane suddenly bursting into flames with you in it or your parachute not opening resulting in you falling to your death at 1,357.64 km/hr (843.6 mph),  you'll never do it.

But if you revel in the thrill and ecstasy of the experience, take the challenges in your stride and savor each and every moment, you may just find that you've been blessed beyond measure.

I think the Bible puts it across best in 1st Corinthians 13 v 7 - 8, "Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Maybe it's about time we cast off all restraint, threw caution to the wind and took a dive... into the magical world of love!

Breaking the cycle of poverty and mediocrity

I made a startling discovery yesterday: a good number of people in our society today are struggling to keep their heads above the water, not because they lack opportunities or resources to develop themselves, but because they lack the motivation and knowledge to fully utilize the vast opportunities at their finger tips.
 

According to the Wall Street Journal 2013, "Americans lose 90% of inherited wealth by the third generation." Capital Ideas (2013) also states that, "Most billionaires are self-made, not heirs." The magazine goes on to say, "Most individuals on the Forbes 400 lists did not inherit the family business but rather made their own fortune."

The truth is: true wealth and success is never an ‘accident’. It’s the result of lots of hard work, self discipline and determination over a long period of time. It's about making the right choices, and having the right habits day after day, month after month, year after year.

Similarly, poverty and mediocrity are not an event. They don't happen to a person overnight. Rather, they happen gradually, as a result of bad choices, habits and attitudes. If we are to become truly successful, we need to identify all those things that contribute to a lifestyle of mediocrity and poverty and avoid them.

Here's a list of the top five culprits that slowly lead to poverty:

1. Indisciplined spending

Wealth managers say many people are simply inexperienced at handling large sums of money  in any disciplined way— think of the so-called sudden-wealth syndrome experienced by lottery winners and many professional athletes. (Wall Street Journal, Spring 2013)

2. Complacency and laziness

Another common trend advisers see? A belief among some inheritors that, hey, it's permanent vacation time, and there's no need to create any new income streams. They believe that their inheritance means they never have to work or do anything for themselves ever again. "There's a mentality that something will come from somewhere," says Stacy Alfred, director of the wealth structuring group at Merrill Lynch Private Banking and Investment Group.

3. Get-rich quick schemes

Get-Rich-Quick" schemes are plans which offer high or unrealistic rates of return for a small amount of investment while at the same time promising that such investment is easy and risk-free. Generally speaking, if the offer is too good to be true, you should be wary. The problem with these schemes is that they are actually a form of gambling and returns are not guaranteed. Also, people who participate in these schemes never really get to learn how to make or manage their money in responsible manner. They often make a quick buck, and lose it all just as quickly.

4. Out-of-control debt and credit plans

We live in a world where people shop continuously, and thanks to technology, there's no longer a need for people to even leave their homes to do so. Items can easily be bought online and credit cards used to pay for everything.

Many businesses encourage clients or shoppers to open an account, which allows the shopper to buy items on credit and then pay off the debt over a period of a few months, with interest. This may initially look like an attractive offer, especially if you don’t have any cash on you at that very moment. But over time, the accumulated interest can lead to huge debts which one may not be able to pay off. This can be very dangerous, especially for people who use credit schemes and payment plans on a regular basis.

5. Dependency on others

A lot of highly talented and intelligent people suffer from the "Somebody will take care of me" syndrome. They believe that it is the duty or responsibility of others to provide for them, and as a result, pass up on countless opportunities to develop themselves. They may reject the idea of going to school and getting an education or starting a business, and choose rather, to ask others for things so that they can survive from day to day.

But, we can break the cycle of poverty and mediocrity in our lives by cultivating the right habits, exercising self-discipline and making good use of every opportunity to develop ourselves. We can save more and spend less. We can learn to work harder and smarter instead of seeking short-cuts to wealth and success. We can come out of debt and begin to prosper, rather than merely surviving, one day at a time.

Here are the top 3 habits of successful people:

1. Learn

Do a course, attend workshops and seminars, read books and gather information that can help you excel as a student, business person or employee. Keep up with the latest trends and developments in your field. Information is power.

2. Avoid debt

Don't spend money you don't have. Make a budget and stick to it. Also, resist the urge to buy things on credit all the time. Credit schemes always make things seem cheaper than they really are, only to overwhelm you with interest later on.

3. Save and invest

Don't spend everything you get. Save and invest at least 20% of your income every month. It may initially not seem like much, but over time, can accumulate into significant amount and one day help you to buy a home, send your kids to University or live comfortably well after retirement.

In closing, remember, "Before the fruits of prosperity can come, the storms of life need to first bring the required rains of testing, which mixes with the seeds of wisdom to produce a mature harvest.” 

― Lincoln Patz

  

How much is too much sacrifice in a relationship?

It's a fact - all relationships thrive on compromise and a certain level of sacrifice by both parties. But there comes a point where you need to back up and say, "No way! That's just out of the question." After all, there's a fine line between being a hopeless romantic and being plain foolish.

I watched an intriguing episode of the TV reality show, 'Happily Never After' one evening last week. That particular episode told the story of a young, handsome man from a conservative religious family who had fallen in love with a free spirited, bubbly singer.

For the purpose of this post, we'll call him John, and give his Sweetheart the name Emma. Now, as their love blossomed, John quickly realized that Emma was nothing like him and his family. In fact, she was far from the kind of girl his parents expected him to marry.

Her clothes were rather flashy and made her stand out like a sore thumb, which irked John's family. As if this was not enough, her long hair had been twisted into dreadlocks while a large, brightly colored tattoo covered most of her upper back and shoulders. The mere sight of her gave John's conservative parents many nightmares.

All the same, they invited her to church, hoping earnestly that the experience would inspire some kind of radical transformation in her. But to their horror, after the sermon, she approached the preacher and revealed that she didn't agree with certain aspects of his teaching.

The preacher, along with John's parents was furious, and John was ordered to stop dating her, or risk being excommunicated from the church and disowned by his parents. Being so deeply in love, John simply couldn't bear the thought of living a single day without Emma, so he chose to walk away from the church and his family, forever.

From now on, it would just be him and her, a modern day version of Bonnie and Clyde. However, as the days wore on, the once-glorious love began to lose its luster. John became increasingly angry and would often have violent tantrums. After several months of putting up with his aggressive tendencies, Emma decided to end the relationship.

When she broke the news to him, with tears in her eyes, John lost it. There was no way he could let her walk away, after everything he'd given up just to be with her - his family, church and even his friends. And so, in a fit of rage, he stabbed her 39 times and killed her.

After watching that gruesome episode, I could hardly sleep all night.  Then it struck me - the more a person gives up or sacrifices in a relationship, the more they expect in return. It's not being selfish, it's simple economics.

Naturally, someone who has invested millions in a business expects huge returns, compared to someone who has only invested $100. Similarly, when you give up a lot in order to be with someone, your levels of expectation increase drastically. And so do your fears, worries and anxieties.

So, where do we draw the line? How much is too much sacrifice in a relationship?

1. If you're the only one in the relationship giving up certain dreams, interests, friends etc, for the sake of the relationship, take a step back.

2. If you're putting your whole life on stand-by for the sake of a relationship, watch your step. I've seen a lot of love-struck people turning down amazing opportunities to work or study abroad, walking away from a promotion etc, in the hopes of settling down with their boyfriend or girlfriend.

Unfortunately, girlfriends or boyfriends may not have the same idea in mind as you do. They may not want to settle down the way you do, when you do.  So, it's best not to give up your career, studies or dreams unless he / she slips a ring on your finger.

Pursue your dreams, see the world, go for that promotion and live your life to the full. If he or she is right for you, he or she will be right there all the way to the end. You don't want to give up too much for a relationship only to realize in the end that it wasn't worth it.

3. If your life revolves completely around your partner and his / her interests, that's a red flag. Even in the most amazing and dreamy relationship, you need to maintain your identity. Don't become so preoccupied with making someone else happy that you lose who you are.

If you're going to make sacrifices for the sake of a relationship, make sure they're worth it... and that the other person would do the same for you if the tables were turned.

I look forward to hearing your views on this topic. Please feel free to comment and share! Sharing is caring!

Til next time

Nobsy